Crash Poop Fiction
by Nazza
Summary: Based on Pulp Fiction. Crash...does stuff. Starring Crash, Aku Aku, and a wisecracking sand crab. Also starring Coco!
1. Crash's Day

==================CRASH BANDICOOT===================  
===================POOP FICTION=====================  
  
Not as bad as Spyro Poop Fiction. Strange how people review my worst Poop Fiction fic to tell me its crap,  
yet no one has reviewed my Chaotix Poop Fiction to tell me how much better it is than Spyro Poop Fiction.   
Strange, eh?  
  
[1]  
CRASH'S DAY  
  
Crash lay on the beach part of N. Sanity Beach (as he always seems to do), when Aku Aku floated over to him.  
  
Crash: What's wrong this time?  
Aku Aku: I think Cortex might be up to something.  
Crash: No kidding.  
Aku Aku: Crash, I need you to find Cortex's lab. He may be planning to destroy the universe!  
Crash: Or he could be planning to have lunch.  
Aku Aku: Better safe than sorry.  
Crash: Better late than never.  
Aku Aku: Better...uh...Drink driving. It's a crime.  
Crash: Better value for you.  
Sand Crab: And me!  
Aku Aku: I give up.  
Crash: As usual, I am the victor of our totally random slogan duel.  
Aku Aku: No, "I give up" is a slogan.  
Crash: Of what?  
Aku Aku: Of the suicide company.  
Crash: Never heard of it.  
Aku Aku: Me either. But you better get going and find Cortex before he does something stupid.  
  
Suddenly a nearby volcano exploded.  
  
Crash: Too late.  
  
So Crash got up, and started walking through the jungle-part of N. Sanity Beach.  
  
Aku Aku: Don't forget your suntan lotion!  
  
But Crash couldn't hear. Because he was listening to the Offspring!  
He headbanged as he walked, not noticing the ferocious plants that snapped their teeth at him. Strangely, it was his ignorant headbanging that saved him from getting his head chomped off by a ferocious plant.  
  
Crash: On the way, trying to get where I'd like to stay! Always feeling steered away, by someone trying to tell me, what to say and do. I - hey, this CD is scratched!  
  
Crash pulled out the "Ixnay on the Hombre" CD from his discman and put in "Conspiracy of One".  
  
Crash: Yeah, that's better. Bust out on it! Original Prankster.  
  
Suddenly Crash tripped on a piece of wire carefully strung from one side of the path to the other.  
  
Sand Crab: Haha! April Fools!  
Crash: Stupid crab. Make my Discman stuff up.  
  
Crash stood back up, dusted himself off, and pressed the Play button again.  
  
Crash: You're lucky it still works, stupid crab.  
Sand Crab: Who's the one who tripped on the wire?  
Crash: You.  
Sand Crab: No I didn't!  
Crash: Yes you did, and you're also the crab that assassinated Knuckles.  
Sand Crab: Are you crazy, or just plain stupid?  
Crash: A little from Column A, a little from Column B.  
  
Crash continued walking, continued headbanging, and continued escaping being beheaded.  
  
Crash: Beheaded! Watch you spurt like a garden hose. Beheaded! Bloody mess all over my clothes!  
  
Crash continued walking through the several levels, listening to Offspring all the way. It seemed to help his abilities, as he made it all the way to Cortex's secret lab without getting hurt in the slightest.  
  
Crash: Finally. I listened to three CDs for twelve hours, used up about 50 Double-A batteries, but I'm finally at Cortex's lab.  
  
Crash walked up to the door.  
  
Crash: Should I knock, or spin the doors down?  
Sand Crab: Do you really need to even think about it?  
Crash: Hey, how come you're here?  
Sand Crab: I hid in your backpack.  
Crash: I don't have a backpack.  
  
(Creepy music)  
  
Sand Crab: Then where do you put your discman?  
  
(Creepy music)  
  
Crash: Cortex's head is big.  
  
(Creepy music)  
  
Sand Crab: You going to knock the door down or not?  
Crash: Good point.  
  
Crash spun at the door, and it was destroyed. Splinters flew everywhere, one hitting the sand crab.  
  
Crash: Haha! I got my revenge on you, stupid crab!  
Sand Crab: Oh yeah?  
  
The crab jumped and pinched Crash on the bum.  
  
Crash: Oh, so we're a *gay* stupid crab now eh?  
Sand Crab: Aaargh! I wasn't acting homosexual, I was hitting the vulnerable spot!  
Crash: If you want to act gay, go hang around NBrio or Dingodile.  
Sand Crab: I'm not gay! ...where can I find Dingodile?  
  
Crash ran into Cortex's lab, and the sand crab disappeared. He looked around, to find a room with funny crystal-like tiles.  
  
Crash: Hmm, this looks like the "Hidden Palace" level of Sonic the Hedgehog.  
Voice: Cortex and Knuckles both bought from the same tile place.  
  
Crash spun around, to find...a vicious evil henchmen of Cortex's that was going to kill him slowly and painfully.  
Can't tell you who it is though.  
  
================================================================  
  
Next Chapter: Coco's Day  
If you enjoyed this, please tell me.  
Thanks to The Offspring for making good music that Crash likes to listen to, The Simpsons for funny quotes, and Bi-Lo for borrowing their slogan.  
And thanks to Nazza for writing Chaotix Poop Fiction.  
================================================================ 


	2. Coco's Day

==================CRASH BANDICOOT===================  
  
===================POOP FICTION=====================  
  
In case you didn't know, this is the third in the "Poop Fiction"  
  
series. Poop Fiction is a parody of Pulp Fiction, a movie which  
  
involves different happenings which are linked somehow.  
  
[2]  
  
COCO'S DAY  
  
Coco: Jeez, looking for gems is hard work.  
  
Coco was working hard, looking for some gems she had lost the night before in a careless drinking binge. So far she'd found two of the twenty lost gems.  
  
Coco: Maybe Crash will know where some of the gems are.  
  
Coco walked to N. Sanity Beach, expecting to find Crash lying on the sand or attempting to swim, but found Aku Aku sunbathing instead.  
  
Coco: Aku Aku, where's Crash?  
  
Aku Aku: Huh - what?  
  
Coco: Where's Crash Bandicoot?  
  
Aku Aku: Who's he?  
  
Coco: My brother!  
  
Aku Aku: Oh yeah, him. He was sent on a mission to stop Cortex.  
  
Coco: Not *again*...  
  
Aku Aku: Afraid so. Why do you want Crash?  
  
Coco: I lost some gems last night, and I need help finding them.  
  
Aku Aku: Don't worry, I'll send someone to help you.  
  
Coco: Thanks!  
  
Coco jogged off back to where she was.  
  
Aku Aku: Hang on, I don't know anyone except for Crash. How will I send someone? Oh well, I'm sure Coco can look out for herself.  
  
Tawna: Coco, watch out!  
  
Coco ducked, just as a turtle flew past her head.  
  
Coco: What's the deal with flying turtles?  
  
Tawna: They've infested my garden. You can come help me if you want.  
  
Coco: Yeah, sure.  
  
After half an hour of working, Coco and Tawna had finished de-turtling the garden.  
  
Tawna: What's that sparkly thing in between those two shrubs?  
  
Coco: Let me take a look...  
  
Coco bent over, grabbed it and pulled it out.  
  
Coco: It's a gem! Thanks Tawna.  
  
Tawna: Hey, *you're* the one that helped me get rid of all the turtles.  
  
Coco: Well, I've gotta be off now! I'll see you round!  
  
Before Tawna could say anything else Coco had darted off.  
  
Tawna: Oh well, I should get used to being ignored.  
  
Coco stopped running in the middle of the forest to think of where the next gem might be.  
  
Coco: Hey, what's that big building over there?  
  
Coco walked over to the building, but came across a distraction.  
  
Sand Crab: Do you know where I can find Dingodile?  
  
Coco stared at this creature for a while, wondering what the hell it was doing in a forest, where there was no sand.  
  
Coco: Why do you want to know?  
  
Sand Crab: A friend told me he was...cool.  
  
Coco: I wouldn't say that. I heard rumours that he was gay.  
  
Sand Crab: Really...  
  
Coco: Now would you kindly get out of my way, I want to go into this building.  
  
Sand Crab: You don't want to.  
  
Coco: Why not?  
  
Sand Crab: Trust me, you just don't.  
  
Coco: What are you trying to hide?  
  
Sand Crab: It's locked.  
  
Coco sighed.  
  
Coco: Well then we'll just have to find a key.  
  
Sand Crab: Why do you want a key?  
  
Coco: To get in. That's usually how you unlock locked things.  
  
Sand Crab: What are you looking for?  
  
Coco: Gems. Why?  
  
Sand Crab: I know where one of them are.  
  
Coco: Really? Where?  
  
The sand crab pointed to a clump of forest Coco hadn't seen before.  
  
Sand Crab: It was in this pit, I would've fell in if it wasn't for the gem.  
  
So Coco went to the clump of forest she'd never seen before, and found the pit.  
  
Coco: How am I going to get the gem out?  
  
Sand Crab: Beats me.  
  
Suddenly she noticed a length of rope lying near the sand crab.  
  
Coco: I have an idea...  
  
-A few minutes later-  
  
Sand Crab: I don't feel comfortable about this...  
  
Coco picked up the rope, which was tied to the sand crab's waist.  
  
Coco: What's the worst that could happen?  
  
Sand Crab: You could drop me and I'd end up in that pit forever, with no hope of getting out.  
  
Coco: If that happens I'll just find something else to do.  
  
The sand crab wiped its forehead, and sighed with relief.  
  
Sand Crab: Wait - what did you just say?  
  
Before Coco could reply she picked up the rope and flung the crab down into the pit.  
  
Sand Crab: Aargh! It's dark in here! Hey, I see the gem.  
  
Coco: Grab it then!  
  
Sand Crab: Sorry, can't.  
  
Coco: Why not?  
  
Sand Crab: Trust me, you don't wanna know.  
  
Coco: What happened.  
  
Sand Crab: My arms are too small.  
  
Coco pulled the rope, sending the crab flying violently into the air, only to be violently pulled back to solid ground.  
  
Then the sand crab stroked its chin.  
  
Sand Crab: I have an idea...  
  
-A few minutes later-  
  
Coco: I don't feel comfortable about this...  
  
The sand crab slowly lowered Coco into the pit.  
  
Sand Crab: Don't worry, at least you can climb out if you fall in.  
  
Coco: Really?  
  
Sand Crab: No, not really. I can't back that up.  
  
The crab swang the rope this way and that, to try and help Coco.  
  
Coco: Ow! Stop swinging the rope, I'm bumping into solid dirt and it hurts!  
  
Sand Crab: I'm only doing what you did to me!  
  
Coco: I didn't smack you into the pit walls! I pulled you violently out of the pit and up into the air, then pulled you violently down to the ground!  
  
Sand Crab: Thanks for correcting my mistake.  
  
The crab suddenly pulled at the rope, and Coco went flying out of the pit, bumping her head on the way. Before he had time to yank the rope violently causing Coco to crash to the ground, Coco had already hit the ground.  
  
Coco: Ow, my head.  
  
Sand Crab: Hey! On the way up your head bumped the gem! There it is!  
  
Lo and behold, there was a gem next to the pit.  
  
Coco: Err, thanks.  
  
Coco rubbed her head, grabbed the gem and stood up.  
  
The two went back to the building, Coco having one more gem than she had before.  
  
Coco: Do you know where any other gems are, apart from in this building?  
  
Sand Crab: What are you looking for?  
  
Coco: Gems, dummy. Why?  
  
Sand Crab: I know where one of them are.  
  
Coco: Really? Where?  
  
The sand crab pointed to the front door of the building.  
  
Coco: Very funny.  
  
Coco looked around for a while.  
  
Coco: Where's the key?  
  
Sand Crab: I don't know, I seriously don't know.  
  
Coco lifted up the "Welcome" mat and found a glistening key.  
  
Sand Crab: Seriously, I didn't know that was there.  
  
Coco unlocked the door, and opened the building. All was quiet inside. All was dark. Coco stepped in, and suddenly the door slammed shut.  
  
Coco was now in eternal darkness...  
  
================================================================  
  
Next Chapter: Coco's Day  
  
If you enjoyed this, please tell me.  
  
Not literally in Eternal Darkness (as in the game). Silly people.  
  
Thanks to all the reviewers. It keeps me feeling special.  
  
================================================================ 


End file.
